Cuz ya gotta have faith, faith, faith

"It's not what happens to me, it's what happens IN me. It's not the size of the problem, but how I handle the problem when I fall." -- Greg Horn

I'd be lying if I said it didn't cross my mind that if I really wanted to, I could milk the crap out of this whole situation. I never did actually want to do that, of course, but seriously, how easy would that have been? With a few tears, some "woe is me," a huge pout and a series of small meltdowns I would have been golden! Unfortunately, no matter how hard I try I cannot for the life of me make myself cry (Dr. Seuss, 2.0) and if I actually tried to fake a breakdown everyone knows I would just end up laughing instead. So, long story short, the pity party was a total no-go.

There have been a few times I've heard, "gosh, I'm so sorry this is happening to you" and as much as I appreciate those caring words so, so much, I'm not even sure I could consider this something that has happened "to" me. I haven't been shot or punched or pelted in the face with water balloons or anything like that...it's just the way I'm wired. Yes, obviously things have "happened" because of said wiring, but not with poor intentions from anyone else. They just happen.

And yes, these things that happen are in fact a problem. Depending upon the circumstances they have the potential to be a BIG problem, and not only for myself. There have been 4 instances of full-on Grand Mal (convulsions, unconsciousness, fall to the floor) seizures when I have been about 5 minutes or less from being behind the wheel. In one my mom would have been in the passenger's seat if I hadn't asked her at the last minute to drive instead; another time I had a car full of friends and thankfully we were laughing too much to finish our food any sooner than we did. I don't even want to think about what would have happened TO them and all of the other drivers on the road if things had been minutely different.

So, yeah, this pain in the butt health issue happens, and it affects me in a few different ways--I am usually extremely sore and exhausted afterwards, I am confused beyond belief, and I'll admit that I'm embarrassed sometimes when I think of how my face looked and what my body did....yeesh. The great thing is that not all of the effects of the junky stuff are negative like those. "How can that be?" you might ask? Welp, it's like this...I have never felt a stronger faith in God than I do now. There have been tough times in the last few years when I have had to walk purely by faith, not knowing where I was going or why things that actually were happening "to" me were playing out in such a way. In these moments it can be so difficult to trust without trying to go in your own direction, thinking that you need to take the reigns and get your life back in order. The way I see it is that when it feels like our world is crumbling down around us, trust is all we have to keep us going. A person I love and relate to very, very much reminded me of Proverbs 3:5-6, a passage that explains this much better than I can and has so much meaning to us both. It's worth a read...trust me.