here we go...!

"Patience is not the ability to wait, but how you act while you're waiting."

To say that patience was never my "thing" is quite an understatement. Anyone who knew me growing up can attest to this, as they undoubtedly witnessed my constant need to be moving, dancing, or doing anything BUT calmly waiting for something to happen. I would sit by the picture window, nagging anyone who would listen because I couldn't wait for my dad to get home to show him how I had perfected a left-handed lay-up! When I needed my mom to see my AWESOME mud pie out on the sidewalk (which she, needless to say, was always incredibly impressed by) it had to happen NOW, regardless of who was on the other end of the phone. And oh.my.goodness. If I knew there was going to be a new puppy at my house when I got off that bus, I'm sorry, Miss Schuler, but forget about learning a darn thing...

Here's another understatement: it has been hard to wait patiently for an answer. For the last four years, I have been wondering what could possibly be causing these seizures that no one could find? There have been more tests and doctors' exams than I can count. I've had hundreds of electrodes glued to my head...more of my blood has been taken than I will ever care to think about...I've almost become used to listening to Norah Jones primarily through the knocking and banging of an MRI machine. The thing about those tests, though, is that no matter how much they suck at the time, there is always a chance that this is the time they'll figure it out! This scan could be the one that answers it all!

Know something else about those tests? Every time they're not "the one," the disappointment hits twice as hard as the excitement of a real answer ever could. Over the last couple of years, it has been as if my mind has trained itself to know better than to be hopeful. It has desensitized itself from being surprised by receiving yet another call from a neurologist's nurse, telling us that nothing was found, so just keep taking the pills, and add more while you're at it! When you stop and think about the fact that you actually take medications to prevent your BRAIN from malfunctioning, it hits you in the pit of your stomach like a ton of bricks. There's bitterness, frustration, anger, sadness, and all kinds of crappy feelings all rolled into one. They get trapped in there by the happy face that gets slapped on, and pretty soon, you're just used to carrying them around, trying to make them magically go away before anyone spots them.

But what the heck! That is no way to act while you're waiting! None of this mopey, crabbypants attitude, dude (I say to myself) because it's not going to help you feel better, and it certainly will not produce answers. So, here we are. My mama and me, taking a huge, scary, enormously hopeful and uncertain step toward figuring out this crazy head of mine. I don't want to try to have seizures, and I don't want to spend up to two weeks in a hospital, and I don't want to wear a helmet 24/7. But I also don't want to spend forever worrying about what is going to happen, letting it hold me back from what I hope will continue to be a really great life. God and I have had a lot of chats in our days together, and as good as they may be, it's time for me to sit back and listen. He brought me here, and I have complete faith that we will not regret the scary step. So, here we go!